Listen, evaluate, decide

Have you ever been in a situation where someone has shared an appalling story with you about someone you knew and respected? What was your reaction? Did you believe the person? Did you take what they said at face value? Did you pass judgment on the person in question based on the evidence of teller's account? What if there was more to the story? What if the version of the story you received was riddled with personal bias and emotions that distorted the truth of what actually happened? Would that change your point of view? There is a Proverb that says, "The first speech in a court case is always convincing - until the cross-examination starts!" As a manager and leader you constantly have to discern and evaluate the information that people give you. Some people tell you what they think you want to hear because it will make them look good. Others will hold information back, perhaps because they don't trust you to do the right thing with it. Still others tell you everything and expect you to figure out what information is most relevant to the situation. As the proverb suggests, when the first person in a court case tells their side of the story it is easy to believe. We don't have anything else to compare it to. It is only when their story is questioned, or when we hear the other side's story, that we can actually get closer to the 'truth' of what happened.

In both my professional and personal life I've learned to apply this proverb using the following steps when hearing something about someone that surprises me.

Listen with suspended judgment 

If someone comes to me with surprising news I first try to sort out whether or not the person is spreading gossip or whether they are genuinely concerned about the incident being described. I do this by determining whether or not the person is interested in making the situation better, or whether they're just interested in slandering someone for some other motive. In the first instance, I don't worry myself too much about the motive. If the person is genuinely interested in seeking my assistance in how to resolve the situation then I make sure that the person telling the story was actually involved. If they are just passing on information about someone else's problem, then I generally assume that they are just looking to spread gossip about someone. If the person wasn't directly involved in the situation they're describing then I politely listen, but I don't give much credit to what they've said because they are passing information on to me second (or third, or fourth) hand. There's another proverb that says, "The words of a whisperer are like delicious morsels; they go down into the inner parts of the body." We like gossip because it makes us feel as if we know something about someone that others don't. If the person comes to me with a story that involves them directly I listen, but suspend my judgment on what is said until I have an opportunity to hear from all parties. This can be difficult to do, especially if it involves a close friend or family member. Ronald Reagan was known for often using the phrase, "Trust, but verify." This itself is a Russian proverb. It is good practice to trust what others say or what we read, but it is also important that we verify what's been said, especially when someone's life or reputation is on the line. As difficult as it is, we owe it to each other to presume innocence until they are found 'guilty' of the charges being laid against them. 

Evaluate all sides of the story

As mentioned above, when someone comes to me with a complaint about someone else I always inform them that I will need to investigate their claims further. This usually means speaking with the other people involved. If the person is just spreading gossip, they usually won't want you to do this. If it is an issue they are interested in resolving, they generally don't mind me exploring the problem further. If, after speaking to everyone involved, I still don't have a clear picture of what's happened, I suggest a sit down with the parties involved to discuss openly the issue at hand. Generally, though, I am able to piece together what actually happened by sifting through the emotion and biases to find the facts. It is important to remember that everyone has self-preservation in mind when telling his or her side of the story. Most often people will say things that paint them in a good light while casting shadows on the actions of the person(s) in question. As a leader and manager our job is to distinguish the difference between what people want us to believe about them and what is actually true about them. Evaluating all sides of the story is part of this process. 

Discern for yourself what is right

After you've listened to a legitimate complaint (not the gossip) and you've spoken with all the parties involved, you have to make a call. If you are required to act because of your responsibilities then you must decided the best and most fair course of action for everyone involved. As a manager and leader this isn't always easy. At times I've found that the person who has come to me has been more in the wrong than the person they were laying the complaint against. Researchers have found that with the advent of social media, gossip travels as quickly as the flu virus. We are the vaccines that can stop such social viruses. We must discern for ourselves whether or not the information we've been given is worthy of being repeated or not. If the information is going to help people, after following the steps describe here, I pass it on. If the news is only going to hurt people, then it's up to me to verify the information and determine whether the 'spreading' of the news is going to hurt the people involved. At the end of the day we all have to take responsibility for our own actions and behaviors. Resisting the temptation to pass on harmful information is difficult, but it's one of the only vaccines we have to stop the spread of gossip and rumors that can lead to character assassination in our workplaces and social networks.