Binding the broken heart

I’m weary of being brokenhearted.  I’m tired of abandoned dreams and dashed promises.  I want to be free to be who I am, to live the life God intended for me.  I’ve been reading John Eldredge’s Waking the Dead (2003).  This book, along with a more concentrated effort to read God’s word, has been very useful for my own healing.  I’ve especially enjoyed reading Chapter 7 – Receiving God’s Intimate Counsel.  It’s about understanding the true nature of our heart.  I’ve always been afraid of letting people down, of being a disappointment.  So I’ve often lived this self-fulfilling prophecy.  But at times I’ve broken out and have let my glory shine.  But because of my fear I’ve allowed myself to be trampled down.  I’ve told myself that this happens because others are made uncomfortable by my ‘light’.  This perceived, but sometimes real, sense of rejection causes me to push my glory back into myself, where I continue the pursuit of my “perfectionism-so-as-not-to-be-seen” (Eldredge, 2003, The Help of Others, para. 14).  

My input strength (see Strengths Finder 2.0) drives me to collect and hoard information.  I want to be an expert in what I do, but because I fear rejection I’m afraid of showing that expertise.  I would rather be safe, doing what I do in small ways and knowing that the people around me care for me than to take the leap and do things in big ways, thereby risking rejection.  The thing is, given the personal difficulties that Jen and I have gone through over the last several years, I’ve realized that the way out is not by going into myself, but by turning outwards and allowing myself to shine for other.  My God-given gifts are not for me – they are for others.  My growth, and that of others, is hindered when I hide my light under a bush.

God has called me to let my “light shine before others” (Matt 5:16, NIV).  I’m not going to get it right every time, but he’s gradually leading me out of my darkness and fear and into his glorious light.  He needs more of us to trust him and to take the step of faith required to shine for him (Isaiah 61:1).  

Eldredge, J. (2003).  Waking the dead: The glory of a heart fully alive [Kindle Edition]. Retrieved from http://www.amazon.com